Is Quicker and All That
by wickedsugarrush
Summary: Severus was highly irate, at both the antics of Sirius, who was inebriated, and the stupidity of Miss. Granger, clueless and sporting tiny dancing reindeer on knickers. Christmas was supposed to be a solitary affair in his opinion. SS/HG SB/HG
1. Is Quicker

Chapter One: Liquor is Quicker

AN: I could give a rat's ass about your cannon. All is how it should be. Oh, and disclaimer and some such nonsense.

Dedicated to Yakitori on the Rocks or whatever she has decided to title herself. Without her I would never have dared to write something so… heh heh.

* * *

Is quicker and all that...

* * *

"Wotcher Sirius!" Harry entered the Grimmauld kitchen with a joyous smile. Sirius - who had been leaning on the counter talking to Molly - raised a hand and grinned in acknowledgement. "Neville gave me some ale before we left...as a gift." Sirius raised his eyebrows and closed his smile as if already tasting the heady liquid.

Harry continued, scratching his head "I don't particularly care for the taste of ale but I thought you might like it. Though I'd be careful, he brewed it himself."

Harry set three brown glass bottles of unmarked variety on the counter and pulled a fourth from his pocket as his fingers couldn't have held another neck.

Sirius pulled up one finger and raised an eyebrow conspiratorially and said "That's right, isn't it? You're of age now so Ol' Molls here can't do anything." He flashed a brilliant grin her way.

Molly huffed and began stirring the batter for crumpets a bit more vigorously.

Sirius chuckled and waved him off "You'd better go. The annual Christmas Quiddich match with the Weasleys clan must be well underway."

Harry hesitated briefly, lingering just a moment before Sirius barked out a jolly laugh that easily disguised his private fleeting pang of bitterness. "Go on now Harry - catch up with them! I'm staying to help Molly with supper."

The Weasley matriarch who was quite capable of putting Christmas dinner on the table without assistance rolled her eyes, covered the batter, and said while she set it out to cool, "Helping me? Huh! More like my taste tester."

Harry left smiling. Sirius, now feeling obligated to actually help rather than chat, stepped towards the kitchen table that had numerous vegetables piled on it. He plucked up a potato inspecting it as if it were a mechanical puzzle that he was to solve.

Molly took out her wand and pointed it at the vegetables, waving it around a bit before the potatoes peeled themselves and the knives began to mince the fresh herbs.

"Now Sirius," Molly spoke sharply, bringing the shaggy haired man out of his momentary reverie.

"There is someone who is coming to supper tonight, whether you like it or not and I _don't_ want to hear any complaining from you **what**-_so_ ever." She pointed her wand at his nose and fixed him with a crooked squint.

"You will behave and act as a gentleman-like a _civilized_ person!" She turned towards the door, in which the load of laundry she was doing was hiding in a looming mass. She was muttering 'shameful, simply shameful.'

Whether it was about the laundry or his previous behavior he couldn't tell. Sirius snorted his amusement and brushed the stray strands of hair out of his eyes. "Yes Molly, sure, but who _is_ coming?"

"Severus." She flashed a warning glare at him before disappearing into the next room. She was remembering the incident in which the Weasley family had just come home from the hospital to witness Severus and Sirius with their wands drawn in the kitchen, both looking as if killing each other was a very good idea.

Sirius couldn't help the disgust that had crept into his facial features; it curled his stubbled lip and made his angular nostrils flare. "Well, _bollocks_… There goes my whole **bloody** night." He turned around angrily, crossing his arms.

Then his eyes were drawn to the brown bottles Harry had brought in from his room. His eye lit with an idea.

Sirius strolled over to them, picked one up and rolled it around in his hand.

"Hmm... it might not be such a bad evening after all…"

* * *

Molly had finally collected all of the laundry together after some work. Holding her arms akimbo with her wand jutting out behind her like a sword, she considered the load.

"Far too much, far too much…" She muttered. "Best enlist Ginny."

"Wingardium Leviosa!" She marched back into the kitchen, holding her wand as if leading troops.

She could not have guessed in her quirkiest dreams what she was about to witness. The laundry, however, seemed more perturbed than usual.

Hermione was looking at herself in the mirror, twirling her skirt around and alternately smoothing it down.

Ginny crossed her arms and said "I really don't see why you care so much. It's only a few inches, Hermione."

"It's not like I'm going to run out and buy a whole new skirt, but altering it slightly should be alright. May I see the diagram again?"

Ginny rolled her eyes and leaned back, reaching for the open book. "Here- but honestly you can hardly tell the difference!"

"**I** can tell. That's what matters." Hermione accepted the book and took out her wand. Whilst Hermione was muttering over her book, Ginny pulled her copy of _Witch Weekly_ over from the corner of her borrowed bed to read.

Hermione had furrowed her brow and was pursing her lips in concentration; mentally she was practicing the spell before attempting it.

Ginny casually raised her eyebrow and said in an offhand manner, "Oh look, here's that new spell I mentioned to you earlier. It's a short cut - it works just the same as that one. Oh! And it has comfort protection! No draft. That's nice isn't it?"

Hermione's eyes flashed over to Ginny before she set the book down on the floor, open to the page she needed. "Ginny, I'm not going to attempt a spell I haven't tried before by shortcut, and certainly not a diagram provided by the _Witch Weekly_."

Ginny raised her eyebrow and licked her fingers as she turned the page, opening her mouth to defend the mishap of naming and the fact that it gets cold at Hogwarts if one just so happens to favor short skirts in the advent of a date.

However, Hermione was posing over the open book like a maestro not to be trifled with, and Ginny knew that she would only be shushed if she spoke.

A brilliant and genius idea that her elder twin brothers would love had her trying to hide a smirk as she pretended recalcitrance.

After a lengthy mental practice Hermione performed the spell perfectly; the hem gently rose up as if softly curled by wind, and it fell down longer than it had previously been. Hermione looked down, pleased with the results.

Molly's voice came through the walls. "Ginny! Hermione, dear! Come down into the Drawing Room."

Hermione looked at Ginny questioningly. Ginny shrugged and subtly pulled out her wand, her hand upon the shortcut short cut diagram.

Hermione turned towards the door, absently inspecting the hem of her skirt, measuring it against her fingertips as she exited the room. Unbeknownst to Hermione - who was fully involved in the hem of her skirt - Ginny gleefully performed her prank.

* * *

"Oh, there you are, dears." Molly said while turning to them, a pile of laundry in her arms. Hermione came over and took some of it from her.

"Thank you, I'm _trying_ to look for the table cloth I want in all of this." There was a mountain range of unidentifiable laundry strewn about the drawing room which was, thankfully, recently cleaned.

"Mum, I don't know why you have to do all of this. Fred and George are the ones who practically- oooff!"

She was cut off by a pile being placed into her arms. Molly was now hands-free and had a satisfied expression on her face. "Fred and George have their business now and some accidents are expected to happen. I'd be grateful for your help." Her tone of voice suggested that it wasn't an optional task.

Molly got out her wand again but suddenly held both hands on the ends, as if nervous, and turned to Hermione. "Could you check on Sir-the kitchen downstairs? Severus is here for supper and he's come a bit early you see."

Ginny called out, surprised "But he never comes for dinner!" Her interjection became a whine.

Molly said "Hush! I invited him. Eating alone during Christmas, hmph! I won't hear of it. Not a single good soul deserves that."

Hermione scrunched her nose. "Isn't… Sirius in the kitchen?"

Molly squeezed her eyes shut. "Yes. There's also the slight problem of Sirius and his choice of drink. It was Neville's..." she tsked and shook her head, "I just hope you can…" Molly smiled close lipped, her worry wrinkles showing.

Hermione winced in return and hurriedly exited the room.

Molly turned to Ginny, who was guiding the clothes into being properly folded. "Ginny dear, we need _organized _piles. I thought that Hermione was going to change the length of her skirt?"

Ginny said airily "Yes Mum, she did."

* * *

"Sev'rus! Why are you acting like this Sev'rus ol' pal? Ol' school buddy!"

Sirius clapped his hands on Sev**e**rus' shoulder and gave him a wide grin.

"Remove your hands from my person or I shall remove them from your person." Severus was standing, stiff as a board, arms crossed, wand dangerously out.

Sirius had a bottle in-between his fingers and made a drunken retreat, waving his free hand around. "Fine, fine. I'm jus' glad to see you, friend! You are a stiff one aren't you? Crack open one of these!"

Sirius had made his winding way over to the counter where the brown culprits sat, oblivious to the look of absolute disgust and horror on Snapes face.

"I wouldn't take it even if you had vowed to kill yourself afterward. It is obviously-just let me see that!"

The Professor (in full bat-mode) swept over, pulling his robe sleeves up sharply and narrowing his eyes. Sirius laughed and tossed him one before Snape could make it to him. "I knew it!"

Severus had a moment of panic and instinctively held out his hands, his eyes blinking shut for a split second. When he opened them he looked at the object in his hands as if it were a miracle.

He regained composure quickly, and turned it around, looking for a label or a mark or something that would tell him what devilry he beheld now.

Sirius had taken another swig.

When his efforts of discernment were fruitless, Severus sharply slammed the bottle down on the kitchen table. Sirius came up behind him and leaned on the black robed shoulder with his arm. "Whut? Whutsa matter?" He seemed thoroughly concerned; his mouth had made a serious line and his forehead was scrunched. Severus missed the mischievous twinkle in his eye.

Severus sneered. "You are realizing the severity of the situation _just now_?" He moved away from him, crossing his arms. "You unwittingly imbibe a drink that was unmarked? With-are you _smiling_?"

Sirius let the crumbling façade break away into raucous laughter. He bent over and clapped his hand on his knee. "Oh Sev'rus! So **bloody** fun!"

Severus' left eye twitched and his long, thin fingers turned white from gripping the sides of his arms too tightly.

Sirius looked at the bottle with a bright smile. "Heh! No, I know where and who-whatsit. Harry gave this to me, he said he didn't like ale. Neville…. Shortbottom had given it to him as a Yule gift. Nope! Long- Longbottom- tha's it. Good Mate- brewing ale…"

As Sirius' story progressed, or rather digressed, Severus' mouth stretched sideways and down, his nostrils flared, and his eyes twitched in an expression that could only be described as '_Eulch, you stupid oaf_.'

Severus sat down at the kitchen table and pressed his middle finger and his thumb into the bridge of his nose. Sirius had continued with a story about some inane game and the weasalbes, and Quiddich, and now barked out a laugh recalling something that the twins did and how his godson thwarted them. He was so proud and full of happiness that it really was quite disgusting to Severus and he **really **didn't know how long he could put up with it. He had come early hoping that when he arrived he could assist in making the process begin so that it could end sooner.

However, he had finished babysitting the potatoes and stopped the herbs from becoming paste and there really was no more for him to do - except suffer. He could go against his cardinal rule to never help Sirius, and produce some sort of cure for his overly friendly, magically-enhanced, drunken state-of-being.

It would be helping himself more than helping Sirius, but inadvertently it would be helping Sirius.

"I don't suppose you know what the idiot put in the ale, do you?" Severus said in a droll way, resigned to this abomination.

* * *

Hermione stopped at the door listening. There were no angry shouts from Sirius, and there weren't any spells being fired. In fact, there seemed to be a bark of laughter coming from Sirius. The droll tones of the Potions master seeped through the door. This she had to see.

Sirius was about to open his mouth when the door to the kitchen opened.

Hermione had a kind smile on her face as she stepped into the kitchen. "Good evening Professor Snape, it's nice to see you. Happy Christmas."

Severus raised a thinly tailored eyebrow at the girl, noticing that her school skirt - which was usually the impeccable school-required length - was in fact four inches above her knees. He said lightly "Good evening… Miss Granger."

At the same time as his acknowledgement, Sirius stood up and happily shouted "Hermione! Aren't you looking lovely tonight!" in the process almost drowning out Snape's courteous reply.

Hermione mistook her Potion master's expression as one of camaraderie and smiled knowingly while turning to Sirius, eyeing him critically. "Sirius, what have you gotten into this early in the evening?"

"It's not early bucket, it's nearly half past five!" Sirius' eyes twinkled and lingered, but Hermione didn't seem to notice with her gaze latched onto the brown bottle.

Severus, however, _did_ notice and narrowed his eyes to glinting black points.

"What is this?" Hermione walked over to the bottle as Sirius gladly strode towards her, stepping out from the table's bench. Hermione plucked it out of his hands and turned around, gently sniffing the contents, then saying in a curious tone "Where did this come from?"

Sirius had leaned towards her hair, making as if to look over her shoulder and sniffing as casually as he could.

Severus rolled his eyes disdainfully.

"It came, Miss Granger, from Mr. Longbottom, who had given it to Mr. Potter as a Yule gift. I gather the imbecilic lazy boy brewed it himself."

Hermione turned around but then took a surprised step back as she discovered Sirius incriminatingly close to her person. Her mouth upturned and she tilted her head away, not quite sure if she should find this amusing or weird. She couldn't quite help the flush that crept up into her face as she inhaled Sirius' scent of spice and bittersweet alcohol. It was incredibly suiting but rather distracting.

"I'm pretty sure I can help." She backed away, leaving the bottle on the table.

Sirius grinned wolfishly. "_Help_? Oh! Help with dinner? You are quite the little housewife; altering your clothes and helping with the chores and the holiday... functions. Isn't she, old friend?"

Sirius glanced back to Severus, while Hermione looked with false disparity at the elderly Marauder. She raised her eyebrow and cocked her head to Severus, a growing goofy grin on her face, when Sirius called him old friend with the utmost sincerity.

Severus' voice took on a hasty snap. "Yes, yes, quite the transformation for the know-it-all bookworm." Grudgingly and seemingly with great effort Severus asked dolefully, "I don't suppose you would know how to remedy this?"

"Quite handy has the bookworm become?" Hermione quoted - too late she realized - the reference was lost on two wizards barely involved in the muggle culture, let alone literary history.

Severus' eye gently lit in recognition. Despite her doubt at this vague reference, but realizing that he had inadvertently contradicted himself, the light dissolved into his normal hard expression of focus.

Hermione turned around, a satisfied little smile adorning her features with finger pressed to her chin. "I might actually know why the beer is affecting him like this. Neville had told me that he wanted to try muggle brewing, hoping that it would help him improve in his potions."

Sirius made to move with her, but Severus whipped out an arm and snatched the back of his robes. His tone of voice was steely when he said "However could he manage that?" Sirius shot him a dirty look, his black eyes still glittering with the fun he was having.

Hermione continued to the counter while looking at the other two bottles.

"I did try to explain that it didn't work quite the same but that he would probably enjoy the process a bit more." Sirius had come and put his arm around Severus, simply watching Hermione. Severus was resisting the very tantalizing temptation to wrench his arm off and poke out his eyes with the tip of a dull wand.

The oblivious girl had turned around with a considering look on her face - she was examining Sirius - who matched her expression with delight.

"I think he's just drunk."

Snape's words were scathing "Brilliant deduction Miss Granger, quite innovative thinking really."

She ignored him and rubbed a finger to her temple. "I didn't think anything of this until recently, but sometime after our conversation Neville came and asked me for some suggestions for ingredients in a brew. I was under the impression that he was asking for **magical** ingredients." She covered the side of her face with her small hand and squeezed her eyes shut.

She whirled around. Sirius started rubbing his chin bristled with dark stubble, a nonchalant expression on his face. Severus noted this suspiciously and turned back towards his pupil that he begrudgingly, occasionally harbored mild affection towards.

He kept a blank face. Though the idea she may have had was one he was grateful for.

Hermione opened a few cupboards, looking for something. "I didn't verbally recommend anything, however, I did give him a book. So, I think with one magical substitution, a muggle remedy will do." She paused and looked around the kitchen momentarily.

Severus shook off Sirius, unable to contain his snideness. "We should just introduce him to a diseased dragon or perhaps possibly the squid in the lake. With any luck, he will attach himself to _that_ and it will cause him enough bodily damage that it won't matter."

Oblivious to the direction she was facing in her hunt for a remedy, Hermione bent down.

Sirius, with a merry jolly twinkle in his eye, cocked his head at this. He leaned on Severus, who had become as stiff as a board, shocked out of his usually cold variety of evil expressions into something resembling befuddlement.

Hermione chose to ignore his comment and got on her knees so as to reach the farthest depths of the cupboard. "I wish Molly didn't keep so many oversized pots in here. It seems a little unnecessary." Severus was trying to twitch away from Sirius and surreptitiously tear his eyes away from the sight.

He would have enjoyed nothing more than Molly's inviting holiday curtains but it seemed impossible to even pretend to look away the more Sirius pulled him forwards.

"C-completely unnecessary!" Severus agreed, though his severity was ruined by the falter in his voice.

Sirius tsked and cocked his head the other way. "Oh, I don't know about that, Sev'rus. They're quite lovely."

Hermione let a little sound of effort leave her throat as she pulled a small pot out of the darkness and stood up, her bushy hair somewhat helter-skelter.

Severus glanced down at Hermione's skirt, his eyebrows coming together sharply. He could have sworn on his wand that her skirt was only four inches past regulation instead of six and a half. What was this new devilry? Hermione went around the kitchen to get eggs and vinegar, seemingly oblivious. What was going on? How far was it going to shrink? More importantly, should he tell her? So involved was his conversation with himself that he almost missed her response to a question Sirius asked her.

"Oh, could you tell?" asked Hermione, sounding quite pleased with herself.

"Yes, yes I could. It's uh… quite a beautiful job. Quite attractive." Sirius had moved away from Severus and toward Hermione while casually scratching a tattoo on his chest.

She giggled. Severus snapped to attention immediately; **his**-no, _Miss_ Hermione Granger... _giggling_? _Dear forsaken heathen gods_...! Severus seemed further lost in his thought process as she continued speaking. "Well thanks! It's a new spell for me so I really didn't know if I was doing it right, but it appears as though there isn't any mistake."

She opened a new cupboard containing magical ingredients and spotted the one she needed up high. Hermione lifted a knee up and onto the counter; Severus swallowed, dreading the worst as he watched her only half pull herself up.

Her posterior was not just visible, but along with her knickers, on perfect display. From the angle of his vision, Severus could swear that he was looking at knickers that seemed to be embroidered with tiny, dancing reindeer. It was tasteful at least. The thought flew across his mind and left him with a sense of horror.

Sirius had ceased idly scratching his chest and had darted forward, seemingly to help the poor just-of-age witch.

Severus had quite enough of this entire performance. His control was finished alongside his poor tolerance for Sirius' openly lecherous behavior. He whipped his wand in the air, hissed "**Accio!**" and the herb she was reaching for flew into his hands.

"Stupid chit!" He slammed the herb jar down on the table next to him and strode over to Sirius, smacking him on the back of the head and yanking him away by the robe. "Get _down_ from there."

Sirius reached out to help her but Severus smacked his hands away and glared at him. There was a look of disgust planted on his face as he guided an unusually compliant Sirius away from Hermione.

She lowered her leg with a confused and slightly irritated look on her face. "What? It's not that high. I wouldn't have fallen."

"Learn to use **magic**. It would have taken far less of an effort and it would have been far more efficient." Severus was nearly sputtering. Nearly, but not _quite_. Fighting for composure, he searched for a reason to make magic as important as he'd made it seem. He himself had no love of the extraneous, foolish wand-waving, but did the girl _really_ have _no idea_ what she was doing?

Hermione was angry now. "You!" She sputtered bewildered, "But…" angry and dumbstruck. She composed herself and tossed her hair back indignantly as far as it would go.

"One does not need to rely on magic for everything." She said pointedly, a brown eyebrow arched high.

Sirius nodded, running a hand through his long black hair. "I agree Sev'rus. She's right, you know. Remember Fred and George?" Sirius started gesturing towards the pantry and the stove. "Well they-they sent flying beerbutter and bread with-with a knife! And see the burn on the table?" He pointed to the streak of black that had been left by the flying stew, and moved his other hand over the little nick in the wood where the knife had landed.

Hermione flashed her gratuitous eyes to Sirius and Sirius gave her a guileless grin.

Severus quietly hissed "_Snake!_" at Sirius while Hermione continued, unfazed and full of righteousness. "Just because one** can** doesn't mean that they **should**."

Severus noted that the total length of his dear pupil's skirt was in fact _totaling_ six inches and said as condescendingly as he could, "One should also use their intelligence as much as possible. Kindly take your own advice."

Hermione narrowed her usually warm brown eyes and clenched her fists into tiny balls of fury.

"You know what, _Professor_? I will leave this in your more than capable hands to remedy! Clearly, I am no help as I do not use my intelligence as much as my effort to help and I do apologize for that." Snape was not one to miss sarcasm flung at him. She gave one last flashing glare, and stormed out of the kitchen.

Sirius put his hands up in the air when Severus turned towards him, a dark look clouding his features.

"Don't_ pull_ that with me, Black."

Sirius grinned like the wolfish dog he was and wiggled his fingers. "Eh, can't blame me. Never figured her to be fond of the bikini cut, eh? Hehhehheh."

"_**Shut. Up**_."

* * *

In case none of you noticed- there is literally no point to this. So, review and tell me if you laughed.


	2. Just dandy

Chapter Two: Candy is Dandy

* * *

AN: Thanks to those who have read this.

I suppose it is quite difficult to enjoy if you don't love Sirius and Severus equally.

* * *

Candy

is Dandy

But Liquor

is Quicker

* * *

Hermione stepped through the drawing room door in a huff, her cheeks flushed pink and her mouth set in a grim line. Ginny almost swallowed her own tongue when she saw the length of Hermione's skirt. She covertly removed her wand from her pocket and with the necessary flourishes, whispered (quite urgently) the counter spell that she hoped to the pranking gods she knew.

"It seems," Hermione sniffed "that they do not require my services in the kitchen, Mrs. Weasley. I think I'll do the rest of the laundry with Ginny if you don't mind."

Mrs. Weasley, who was thankfully turned around, said "Oh? Really? Well, I'd best be getting dinner on the table then, shouldn't I? It's getting dark and everyone should be here quite soon. I did say six o'clock."

Hermione sat down just as Molly turned around. A bright red, gold and mistletoe green table cloth with jolly house elves and reindeer was bunched in her arms.

Hermione smiled at the print images. "I love reindeer!"

Ginny rolled her eyes and tried to surreptitiously glance at the length of her friend's skirt. "C'mon, let's finish this Hermione!"

* * *

Severus sat down at the kitchen table, his face pinched and his mouth drawn in thin lines.

"Since you're intoxicated to the point of unsurpassable stupidity, you won't remember my telling you that I completely agree with you. Now, _give me_ the thrice be-damned bottle."

Sirius sighed and put the bottle to his lips. Severus' lip twitched as he watched Sirius' Adam's apple bob up and down as he gulped the rest of the bottle. "You bastard." Snape hissed, his black eyes steely.

Sirius leaned across the table and waggled pleased drunken fingers. "Here you go, mate!" He seemed near to snorting with laughter at the look of utter trepidation present on Snape's face.

Whatever was about to happen next was abruptly smashed to pieces when Molly burst into the room carrying a large festive table cloth.

"Ah! Erm… sitting together quite nicely I see…" She was obviously uncomfortable but moved into the dangerous territory between them with a brave smile. "Severus, may I ask you to set the table? I have the cloth here and Sirius knows where all the dishware is located."

Severus covetously eyed the other bottle of what he had now dubbed 'the happy ale' with some halfhearted longing, but took the bundle of cloth from her arms and threw it out across the table. The table expanded before his eyes, stretching in his vision before snapping back. The length of the table was quite a few feet longer than it had been before.

Severus imagined that this sort of charm was used a lot in the Weasley household.

Sirius was setting out the napkins pointedly without his wand, simply as a prick at Severus. He remarked rather gleefully, "Seven, eight…are these_ reindeer_ on the table cloth here?"

Severus dropped the glasses a little too hard on the table top. "_What?_" he choked.

Thankfully, or perhaps not so, eight people came trooping in through the front door laughing loudly enough to overbear the slam of glass on wood.

The voice of Arthur Weasley called out, "Go and wash up. Then come downstairs in about… how long would you say, Molly!"

She screeched back "TEN MINUTES."

Both Severus and Sirius winced, although Sirius tried to clap a hand over his ears but smacked a fistful of napkins into his eye instead.

Severus let out a childish snicker briefly before flicking his wand over the eating utensils in an attempt organizing them according to correct dining etiquette.

Molly turned around to put a steaming pan of sweet yams with big, white, puffy marshmallows onto a hotpad. She handled the pan precariously with oversized hot pink oven mitts. "Severus, why is one side of the table reverted?"

Severus pursed his lips and said with refined disdain, "So it is."

Arthur came tromping into the kitchen. "Ah! Severus! Glad you could make it!" The elder Weasley was damp, and his bald spot on the top of his head was a bright cherry pink that matched his nose and ears. He came over and kissed Molly's cheek and whispered into her ear while Severus turned the utensils over by hand.

Arthur bustled over, making to shake Severus' hand from across the dining table. The potions master twitched a smile and found that he could not deny the bright, shiny-faced man a simple handshake- however disgusting it was. Arthur vigorously shook his hand and then waved at Sirius, who was carrying bottles of beer as if they were priceless, fragile sapphires. Severus could see a disaster about to unfold if Sirius was allowed access to anything that might break. _Although_... burning was acceptable. Severus made a mental note to encourage Sirius to check on the oven in a bit.

Arthur left the room calling out behind him "It smells wonderful, my dear!" Molly could be seen smiling warmly over her garlic and oregano mashed potatoes and bubbling gravy. Severus looked at the table, sixteen plates in all, a goblet and a glass, two forks, a knife and a spoon for each person. None of the plates matched, and the silverware had scattered designs engraved on them. Some of the goblets were goblin-wrought silver and others were what appeared to be plain glass cylindrical cups that looked suspiciously of Muggle origin.

Severus seated himself at the middle of the table. "Mrs. Weasley-"

"Molly, dear! Molly, please."

"Molly," Snape paused for a moment, regarding the end corner of the table as he pondered if his current seat was a wise choice or not, "who are the individuals joining us for dinner?"

"Oh! Just the family dear! Just the family." She turned around, her cheeks rosy from the heat of the oven, and set two large bundles of crumpets in a basket wrapped in a large green and gold cloth on the table. There were about 13 gloriously golden white pastries in each.

Sirius barked out a laugh. "Sev'rus, don't look so shocked. You're part of the family too!"

Snape shot him a look which could have only been labeled venomous after Molly had turned cheerfully on her way back to the kitchen.

"Ju_s_t what I alway_s_ wanted," he said in a dry and brittle voice.

Ten minutes later, Harry, Ron and Hermione (followed closely by Ginny and Charlie) came into the kitchen. Ron stopped cold in his tracks at the sight of the man in black.

Severus Snape always gave the effect of a little dark rain cloud about to viciously pour on any parade within sight. Charlie grunted in annoyance, though it was aimed at Ron's abrupt halt in the cramped quarters.

"Ron! Doorways are for moving through, you know." He tried to get around Ron and paused momentarily at the sight of his old teacher brooding by himself. Looking almost pained at the juxtaposition of a cheery kitchen against himself.

Ron whispered with the normal amount of strangulation in his voice when talking about Snape, "What's _he_ doing here?" Fred and George poked their heads out into the doorway, making Charlie nearly jump out of his skin, and said in unison "What's _who_ doing here?"

"Bugger! Do you two _have_ to do that?"

Ron replied, smirking "Yes, _obviously_."

Harry had disguised his discomfort rather well and greeted his Professor of Potions, as well as Occulomency, with a well-meaning nod before taking a seat at the opposite end of the table. Their mutual hatred had broadened into mutual dislike tinged with respect. The Occulomency lessons, although ending rather badly in fifth year, had allowed each of them a bit more comprehension concerning the other. Though neither would admit it.

Ginny appeared non-plussed about her Professor 'unexpectedly' joining them and flounced into the room, looking at Snape out of the corner of her eye. She was quite well aware of the fact that Hermione's skirt had done the vast majority of it's shrinking in his presence, but her appearance didn't betray her to any ulterior motives. Knowing Ginny, she had many.

Hermione entered the room briskly, skillfully avoiding the clog in the doorway and said without ceremony and without any of her original kindness, "He is here as a _guest,_ Ronald."

Molly turned her head towards the temperamental tones of Hermione's voice and gestured her over to the oven.

As the redheads filed in, Severus eyed Hermione's skirt with a bit of relief that it was once again the length that it was supposed to be. He paused in his thoughts as a startling epiphany occurred to him:_ had it ever been short at all_? Did he imagine the entire ordeal of the too-short school skirt?

He furtively glanced over at Sirius - who was once again rummaging around in the pantry trying to locate more beer - softly singing a bawdy bar room song. He narrowed his eyes again. Sirius _had_ acted like he was seeing something out of the ordinary, and had even mentioned it after the focal point had left.

_Reindeer_.

Then again he was magically inebriated, and thus completely unreliable as an anchor to reality- if he ever was in the first place. Severus felt a wave of indignation. He couldn't _possibly_ be losing his mind to the hormonal fluxes induced by a young woman!

The nonsensical nature of the whole predicament made him want to laugh - but he didn't. Severus Snape _did not_ laugh.

The front door opened and Nympadora Tonks could be heard calling, "Hey Bill! Fleur! It's nice to see you again!" The lowered tones of Remus' voice became a thrum behind the closed kitchen doors. After a few moments more, Bill, Fleur, Remus and Tonks, plus another Weasley, entered the kitchen. Only Bill, Fleur and Tonks shared concerned expressions when their eyes gravitated to the natural black hole that was still calmly seated at not quite the end of the table.

The hum-drum of excited people entering and greeting was lost on Severus - he was far too preoccupied. Unbeknownst to the brooding potions master, he was being intently observed by the smallest read head.

Severus wondered about Hermione _not_ noticing her skirt. (And her odd taste in knickers, though he had quashed that train of thought vehemently.)

It was quite a skill, not noticing or pretending nothing had happened and maintaining her anger.

Either way it was mildly impressive.

Although if she **had** noticed she would have realized his attempt at making her _go away_.

If it was one thing Severus Snape prided himself on, it was the ability to stay completely uninterested and maintain cold formality in the face of a... _challenge_ such as the skirt incident.

Severus loathed to think of himself behaving the way Sirius had; the man was like a slovenly pirate just touching land for the first time in months and still reeking of booze and lust.

Sirius came out of the pantry with a jolly expression and a wide grin, holding up bottles victoriously. "Good news! No more butterbeer! It's nothing but the real thing for everyone tonight, ahaha!" He was met with a voracious response from Ron and all of his elder brothers and dirty looks from Molly. He ambled over to Severus and placed a beer in front of him, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "Ha! You get'chour bottle after all." Sirius gave him an exaggerated wink, obviously a wink that was not purposefully exaggerated given the state that Sirius was in, but still hard to miss. "So those _reindeers_ won't plague your thoughts, eh?" He shook his shoulder and laughed again.

Severus had a very intense look on his face, and the level of the room fell quite close to a hush. He was so sequestered in his thoughts that he didn't notice that nine redheads and seven other people were nervously glancing their way. Bewildered and befuddled at the lack of response, every one apprehensively began their conversations again.

Remus was the first to break the noise level and asked boldly "Sirius?"

Sirius waved a tipsy little wave and headed over to where the _special_ bottles were. "Hey Moony! Aren't you looking smashing!"

"Sirius, exactly…" Remus continued but then broke off at Harry's slack expression.

Harry interjected, "Have you been drinking _Neville's_ ale, Sirius?"

Hermione put out the last dish of wonderful smelling food as Molly sat down at one head of the table next to Arthur. "Yes, as a matter of fact he has. He's _smashingly _smashed."

Sirius pried open the cap with his teeth and spat it clear into the sink before greedily gulping the mystery ale and returning to his seat directly opposite of Arthur.

Everyone had been seated and Ron, across from Harry, sent an apologetic grimace to Hermione as she came towards them and stopped. She didn't understand until she saw the last open seat: right in-between Severus and Sirius.

She put on an uninterested face as if it didn't bother her at all. Sirius was positively beaming. "C'mon poppet, hurry so I can carve the turkey!"

Snape was at this point ravenous, and the silence of people waiting for the dinner to start was grating on his nerves. He said in a bored fashion, "Perhaps it is not wise you cut the turkey."

Sirius was affronted by this visibly. Considering that he had a large knife in his hand and he was acting more than belligerent, Severus eyed him carefully. "Nonsense!" Sirius shook his sleeves back and picked up the turkey fork, the carving knife angled in his other hand.

Hermione carefully seated herself across from Ginny, right next to Snape, and leaned away from the dangerously gesturing Sirius.

Ginny noticed something that she was rather proud of herself for noticing: Severus Snape had a very definite reaction to the length of Hermione's skirt and had glanced yet _again_ at it when she sat down. She smiled a saccharine smile at her friend, who was oblivious to the huge amount trouble she was headed for this evening.

After the turkey had been carved, the liquors were flowing freely, the already boisterous people became even rowdier. Fred and George were performing for Tonks and Fleur and trying to convince them of some outrageous story while Bill and Remus laughed wholeheartedly; Bill nearly had tears in his eyes.

Ginny had begun a conspiratorial process of passing notes written on napkins back and forth with Sirius under the table. No one seemed to pay much attention to them, although at one point Ginny could have sworn Harry had seen one of her flying napkins and chosen simply not to remark on it.

Severus had so far been silent except for the occasional "No, thank you" or "Thank you" in passing table mannerisms.

Hermione said to him, quite prepared to be the mature one in this instance, "Don't have much to say, do you?"

Severus said succinctly, "I find that I cannot communicate with them on a fundamental level."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Surely it is not for lack of trying."

Severus smiled in a rather serpentine manner. "I can hardly entertain the idea, although I suppose that it is something _you_ specialize in. Tell me, do you _ever_ leave their sides? Or are your parents _especially_ straining to talk to?"

Hermione's eyes flashed ever so subtly with anger. "I see them tomorrow, actually."

"Fascinating." Snape's voice was droll as he reached for his water cup.

"Yes, it is rather." Hermione took a careful sip of her cider which she had almost drained, and continued with a sly tilt to her mouth.

"Not for you. I imagine few things fascinate you." Hermione scooped mashed potatoes onto her spoon. "Though they say the less fascinated one is with subjects and people, the more boring one is."

"Miss. Granger, are you implying that I am…boring?" Severus was caught off guard once again. It would be laughable (if he laughed) and if he didn't find it disturbingly insulting. How interesting could_ she_ be? The impertinent snit, he thought at her.

Hermione savored the garlic and creamy potatoes. When her mouth was empty she said "I suggest that perhaps you try to be interested in people- you might surprise yourself."

"I dislike surprises. You might try being less irritating." Snape said as he raised his glass to his lips and sipped just as carefully as she had.

Hermione sniffed and shut her petite mouth promptly. Ginny happened to be hovering nearby. She swooped upon Hermione's empty cider glass before she could protest. Feigning politeness, she casually remarked, "Oh look! You're all out. Let me get you some more." Smiling profusely, Ginny whisked her goblet away. Neither Snape nor Hermione noticed the amused glint in Sirius' eyes.

Hermione's question caught in her throat when Sirius leaned over and said in a low tone, "What's this I hear about _trying_ things?"

Severus leaned over and said just as lowly, "You didn't hear _anything of the kind_, because you were _not_, in fact, part of this conversation."

Hermione was, by this point, leaning away from the two intense men as far as she could without falling off her bench. Hermione was desperate to change the subject and started talking about the first thing that caught her eye- a cobalt blue tattoo curling and twisting over Sirius' collarbone.

"Sirius, whenever did you get all of those tattoos?"

The roguish man's smile stretched and Hermione's heart fluttered a bit. With his thick hair artfully curtaining his magnetic grey eyes she could suddenly see why the stories of his youth seemed to be centered mainly around the conquest of twittering school girls.

Severus raised his eyebrow and leaned back, his nostrils flaring slightly in irritation. He didn't understand _why_ he was still here. He decided that his head really had taken quite enough damage for one Christmas, and was planning on locking himself in his chamber with a good bottle of liquor. His bottle set in front of him by Sirius was long ago taken by one of the infernal twins. Not that it mattered, he never became inebriated in front of people. As for that wanton longing of the ale Sirius had… it was wanton and possibly a side effect of the ale.

Hermione called out to Ginny, anything for a distraction from piercing eyes that were piercing a little too deeply. "Ginny! What are you doing?"

Her head snapped up and both Fred and George twitched their shoulders. Ginny scuttled over. Her laugh tinkling and eyes merry she said, "Sorry Hermione. I was just distracted by something Fred and George were showing me."

Hermione took the cup, too grateful for the break to be suspicious, and made a show of drinking it with enthusiasm.

Ginny, however, sidled back to her twin brothers and left Sirius to cajole and banter with Hermione. Talking about her cider and his ale and how lovely this evening had been and how did she like the turkey because he spent the entire day cooking it. The part about the turkey was obviously a lie but Sirius was far too inebriated to keep track of his truths thus far.

However irate the potions master might be, Severus was not going to forget his table manners - it would not do.

Mrs. Weasley would also make it very difficult for him to go back and forth between Order meetings, the ensuing chat he'd have with Dumbledoor concerned about him, McGonagal shooting him disproving looks for at least two months. It would be hell.

He debated momentarily on his bromide method of exit, but the yet-to-be-cleaned table lay before him in silent protest.

The blaggart's - meaning Sirius Black, of course - timbre nestled its way through Severus' hearing cavity and prodded him out of his thoughts.

"Why don't you and I go take a look then?"

From the unintelligibly cheerful reply, Hermione seemed happy enough - much to Severus' outraged indignation.

She really was an _absolute fool; _his mouth was set in a thin line though he kept his dark mutterings confined to his brain.

Still...

There was no way that he would be able to leave Miss Granger here. The girl was his second N.E.W.T. level potions apprentice - second only to Draco Malfoy. Only because, he admitted with a grudging sort of pride, he had been tutoring his god-child.

Hermione took a drink of her refilled cider and made an "Mmm!" of unexpected protest. She put down her goblet, casting it a strange glance before plowing on in her usual bossy fashion.

"I think the cider is a tad bitter. Needs more cinnamon, too. Oh well, we should probably help clean up."

Sirius closed his eyes and nodded as if he had resigned gracefully from a lost argument. "All right." He put his hands up in the air. "Fair enough. Eh Sev'rus, help would ya'? I want to talk with you."

Before Severus could deny and decline and leave the dirty dishes and the chit to whatever fate that she got herself into, Sirius stood up and clapped his hands.

"To Molly Weasley: the cooker of this fine meal and without which we would all be looking a bit peaky!"

The resounding "Here, here!" was overridden by Sirius continuing to roar "Severus has graciously shouldered the responsibility of clean up! Now, everyone! Into the drawing room for an assortment of merriment!"

Sirius clapped his hands as if it were the end of the discussion. Fred and George traded conspiratorial glances and then 'popped' out of the kitchen. Charlie was shouting in mock anger and almost skidded on his way out the door.

Ron and Harry stood up laughing, and everyone filed out of the room. No one wanted to doubt the remarkable luck of having the Christmas dishes done for them, least of all if the janitor in question was indeed Severus Snape.

Harry stopped by Sirius and asked him if he needed anybody to stay and help. Sirius patted him on the shoulder and told him to go on and play a good game of wizard chess with Ron.

Ginny moved stealthily, careful to stay out of the peripheral vision of the tower of righteous indignation that was now standing and glaring at the scruffy man who was happily gathering up the plates.

There was more than a bite of anger in Snape's voice and he said with his usual poison, "I do **not** recall volunteering."

Sirius came over and slapped a hand on his shoulder. Severus merely burned black holes into Sirius with his eyes, not trusting himself to uncross his arms.

If there was blood in the kitchen then he would have to clean that up as well.

"You aren't going to leave before you've sampled Hermione's delicious," he waved his hand out in a flourish, "delectable," he pressed his forefinger and thumb together, "dessert, now were you?" He moved his hand over in the direction that Hermione was charming the dishes over to the sink.

Severus drew his eyebrows together, absolutely outraged at this point. He was simmering with loathing to the point where he found himself with only nasty things brewing on the tip of his tongue. Sirius' cheeky grin wasn't making polite disdain any easier.

Mrs. Weasley paused before exiting the kitchen with her husband. She bustled over with a rosy-cheeked smile and beaming eyes.

"Severus, thank you so much for your help. You didn't have to volunteer. We would all love it if you stayed for dessert. You will stay, won't you?" She seemed incredibly too sincere. Revolting. Absolutely revolting.

Yet Severus found himself succumbing to the Weasley matron once more. Just as he had with Mr. Weasley, he could not deny her any more than he could deny the warm handshake. Thoughts of plotting Sirius' death momentarily slipped his mind.

It also helped that he was only _slightly_ concerned for the honor of his pupil. She would be down here alone with the drunken **cad**. Severus may have been a triple-crosser and a snake with words - which he was quite well aware of - but he had his own honor. How could he not?

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley left the kitchen, quite rosy and beaming together. Severus sneered. "I think I may vomit."

Sirius seemed to be beaming as well, but there lived in his eyes a gleam most mischievous. He sang Christmas carols in a lively, smoky baritone. Resigned to his fate, Severus _Windgardium Levisoa'ed_ the rest of the food to the counter where Hermione wrapped it up.

She called out from the sink, "Thanks for staying to help, Professor."

Severus said silkily, "Your gratitude is not necessary, Miss Granger."

Hermione walked over to the table where her goblet was still in place and took a drink. She smacked her lips quietly. "On the contrary, I think it's entirely necessary. If one doesn't observe their manners then I suppose we could all say goodbye to civilization."

Then much to the chagrin of Severus, a dainty _*hic* _came from the petite mouth of Hermione Granger.

Severus - for the fourth time tonight - raised his eyebrow to alarming heights. He glanced at Sirius - who was sporting a rather too innocently clueless expression. There was a muffled pounding as if someone was thundering down the stairs and a few seconds later, Harry burst in.

"Oy, Sirius? Where's the gobstone set? And do you have some cards?" His green eyes were bright. "And some people fancy a cup of tea."

Sirius paused momentarily, scratching his chin. "The cards would be in Buckbeaks ol' room- you know where to get those. I'll get the gobstone set for you. Sev'rus here'd be happy to bring up the tea!"

"Er...right." Harry eyed the kitchen scene somewhat dubiously and sent a quizzical glance between his godfather and potions Professor and best mate. He was, at this point, effectively _weirded out_. He left the kitchen traipsing up the stairs with as much vigor as he had coming down them.

Hermione began to put a kettle on and said rather offhandedly, "Sirius? You never actually answered my question about your- _**HIC**__ -_ tattoos?"

Once was a simple oddity, twice with a long pause inbetween was suspicious. Severus moved over to the table, flicking a simple 'scourgify' at the naked tabletop and reached over to Hermione's cup.

Sirius' smile tweaked. "Eh, lets go see about that gobstone set? Shall we?" He held out his arm exuding casual elegance.

Severus was involved in sniffing the goblet's contents. He "Hmm'd." He was positive that there was something off but he couldn't quite tell. He outlined his mouth with one long finger, pensively glaring at the goblet as if it was to blame for this wretched night.

* * *

Which it wasn't. Because, hello- Neville is silly.


	3. Lechery provokes

Chapter Three: Provokes and Unprovokes

* * *

AN: Don't care if it's July, it's my it's Christmas dammit.

Also, a great deal of jumping 'round in this chapter.

* * *

Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things . . . nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.  
**William Shakespeare**  
Macbeth 2. 3

* * *

"_What_ did you give me?" Ginny intoned vehemently, her face drawn into one of mortified anger. She was sitting in the corner of the drawing room pretending to be interested in the game of chess going on between Ron and Lupin.

"It was Fred's idea, it was!"

"Shut up, it was not! It was both of our ideas!" Fred responded in innocent hushed tones. Innocent while looking at his little sister, at least.

George turned to glare at his twin. He whispered, "Don't blame this one on me! Both of them are vindictive bitches!"

Fred raised his eyebrows and sent pointed glanced to Ginny. "She _can_ hear."

Ginny's hazel eyes were boiling with rage.

George said, "Hey look Fred, it's the spitting image of our mother!"

* * *

Hermione walked out of the kitchen with Sirius, a little blush coloring her cheeks. He continued up the stairs with her, commenting offhandedly, "Glad that bloody awful portrait was blasted apart…"

Hermione, feeling a little unsteady for a reason that she couldn't quite explain, said "Can't quite shake the feeling that you are avoiding the question, _Snuffles_." To her utmost disgust, her voice was actually quite breathy. She frowned a little.

Sirius whipped his head around a bit too fast because his unsteady footing had almost made him slip. He grabbed the railing and reached up to her shoulder as a reflex - but he was still grinning.

"Well, I can't very well tell you 'when' because then you'd ask 'why', and I simply can't tell you that. Then you'd settle for the number, but I can't tell you how many because then you'd wonder where I've **got** 'em you see."

He hadn't taken his arm from around her shoulder and Hermione had this _lovely _fluttering flip-flop feeling in her stomach; only Krum on the night of the ball had ever made her feel like that.

Sirius continued, unabated. "_Then_ you'd be curious if I _didn't_ tell you where they were and then you'd ask _more_ questions about what kind they were and what they were of. It would be all very difficult for me to explain."

Hermione was getting warm all of the sudden. It was indeed very strange; she wasn't used to feeling this way. "Curiouser and curiouser. That was a very bad m-move. I want to know even more now." Hermione's mouth had gone dry. '_That was a very peculiar sensation,'_ she thought.

"It worked then?" Sirius had a very faint thought whispering in the back of his mind that he really should be curbing what he was saying; the actual purpose of his plot with the redhead was not to seduce the girl, but to have her just be a tad less stiff- but that was really not the point.

The point was that this girl was warm and smelled like Christmas, and all sorts of _titillating,_ _lovely_ things like pheromones.

He tried to crane his neck subtly nearer to her hair as he reached a small cupboard that was four feet by six feet under empty circumstances, and roughly three and a half feet by two and half under filled circumstances. Filled it was. It was also twelve feet tall inside.

This was a rather tricky cupboard and it had its... _moods_. Once, Sirius had been locked inside for a good two hours before Mad-Eye had shown up to the rescue.

Unfortunately for a drunk Sirius and a dizzy Hermione, the cupboard was also a sneaky bastard and shared the same disposition as Kreacher.

* * *

Severus had definitely detected something abnormal inside the goblet and was smirking in triumph as he pulled out his wand and a little vial he kept handy inside his sleeve coat. The bowl with the sample of the liquid from the goblet sat innocently atop the table.

He whispered as he poured a drop of the vial into the bowl. "Reveal your secrets."

* * *

Sirius called from under Hermione, "You find it?'

"Y-Yes!"

And just at that moment the cupboard decided that it was going to lock itself shut.

It bumped Sirius' foot that he was using as kneeling leverage for Hermione, who was precariously perched against the shelves. Sirius' knee wobbled, which in turn made Sirius overcorrect their fragile balancing act.

"Shit!" He said, and she fell.

* * *

Ginny looked up, her eyes roving the room. "What was that?"

Fred and George looked at each other, trepidation in both of their voices.

"D'you think-" Said Fred,

"That maybe-" Continued George,

"It was too much?" They finished.

Lupin looked up. "What was too much?"

* * *

"Ow- Oh! I'm so sorry!" Hermione squished herself against the cupboards, jostling the boxes and jars, and leaped off of Sirius, who had cushioned her fall with his body.

Sirius winced. "No, not at all. Wouldn't have it any other way, in fact."

Hermione said, her voice only slightly shaking. "Well, there's no se-sense in being cooped up-" She breathed steadily, trying to regain her self-composure. _Why_ was she acting this way?

Sirius said resignedly, "Alohomora doesn't bloody work."

Hermione paused, her wand in mid-air. "What do you _mean_ it doesn't work?" Sirius' legs were brushing gently against her calves and her heart was beating mercilessly. This was not normal. **What** was going on?

Sirius shifted so that he was sitting in a relaxed position with his legs sprawled out, one on either side of Hermione. He sighed. "You know... I used to have this knife that could pick any lock."

Hermione was trying not to be distracted by his legs. '_We are in a cramped space and this is the only possible way to sit, you silly girl!'_ She thought to herself furiously and then she asked, "What, erm… where is it?"

The door was to Sirius' right and to Hermione's left and Sirius' shoulders were fitted within five and a half inches of the confined space. Hermione was having a very hard time not reaching over and feeling them.

"Gave it to Harry, last year you know." He rolled his shoulders, stretching his back and exposing more of the tendons in his neck and his collarbone. It also exposed the blue tattoos ero-exotically curling and stretching up out of his unbuttoned collar. "You know what else doesn't work?"

Hermione didn't have any idea. She was far too preoccupied with the designs and the skin underneath them. She had foggily decided that getting a grip was far gone - she was just trying to control herself from reaching out and _touching_. "N-no."

"Kicking, punching, blasting and also but not limited to, vanishing." He scratched absently at his collarbone.

Hermione watched with avid eyes. "Sirius, _please_…" She trailed off, her eyes fixed on the designs. Sirius wasn't quite sure what exactly she was going to say but he had a pretty good idea from where she was staring and their previous conversation.

He grinned, remembering when all the girls used to stare, and before he could stop himself - not that he particularly wanted too - he asked, "You really want to see?"

Hermione's first thought that rang in her head was a resounding '_No, very bad idea you stupid chit_,' but there were softer, fuzzier feelings that thought that it was an absolutely fabulous, satisfying idea.

"Yes."

* * *

"Isn't that the main ingredient in _Aphrodisiac _potions?" Remus was looking steadily at the twins and a critically observing Ginny.

"Why yes! Yes it is, actually." Fred nervously said.

"Whoops..." George added rather softly.

Severus suddenly entered the room with a dramatic flare (as usual) that almost drew a startled gasp from Molly. He found that it was the easiest way to command attention.

He paused in his momentum and looked around the room. Ron had finally broken his concentration on the game and Lupin was calmly and knowingly regarding Severus.

The twins and Ginny, however, had guilt written on their faces. Severus' eyes narrowed to slits of suspicion.

Harry, Tonks, Bill, Fleur and Charlie had stopped their card game and were staring tentatively at the potions master. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley looked expectantly at the dark man.

Once he was sure that every eye in the drawing room was trained upon him and it did not include Hermione's nor Sirius', he intoned as if speaking to a class that had done frightfully horrid on their last project.

"Where is Miss Granger?" His eyes flicked towards the Weasley twins, and something wicked was glittering in his pupils.

* * *

"See this one here? This one is the ancient animagus rune and that I did in our last summer - I got it with James."

Hermione nodded, kneeling forward and examining the bold strokes and spiked curves that extended from his shoulder and upper arm down to curl around his abdomen. His chest wasn't modelesque, with the grossly defined muscles of the young and haughty, but the muscles were taught and softly bulged without much motion. He obviously had nothing better to do than define and regain what he had lost in his lean years in Azkaban.

"This one on my arm, just below this here," he lifted his arm up and brought his slightly closed hand near his chin. "This one is a colored scar I got in Azkaban." He hadn't felt this way in years. A young, pretty, doe-eyed witch was studying his body as if she were going to be tested on it later. How could his ego not inflate a few notches?

She softly "ohhed" and he felt her breath across his forearm. His eyes darkened as he watched her face and felt her breath and her fingertips gently grazing over the intricate scars. He noticed something - it may have been the dim light in the near closet - but her eyes were dilated.

"I have one more, but it's on my thigh…"

* * *

Severus had swept out of the room and was nearly _flying_ up the stairs. He had found the cupboard-turned-prison.

"_Alohomora!"_ The cupboard's expression could only be described as wooden.

Severus flicked his cuffs and sleeves up and pointed his wand at the cupboard again. He muttered furiously under his breath and did a complicated wave of his wand, the wood warped and cracked and the metal hissed and turned white hot as it melted.

The door sprung open.

Severus had stood with his wand in the air for a moment, frozen in shock.

"Hallo Sev'rus!" Sirius said brightly.

Sirius had half of his robes and shirt hanging incriminatingly from his shoulder and his trousers were at his knees. Hermione had a slightly slack look on her face as she kneeled on the ground, looking quite dazed and disheveled. To make matters infinitely worse, the edge of her skirt was caught on a shelf and her reindeers were once again showing. This time however, Severus got more of an eyeful of the long, white expanse of skin leading up to the beginning of her knickers than the actual knickers themselves.

Severus was pale with anger, and despite any previous reservations to the whereabouts of his wayward pupil, he came forward and snatched her arm, pulling heavily on her. She got up, the edge of her skirt that had caught ripping away and refusing to budge from its lodgings on a particularly vindictive shelf. Unbeknownst to anyone, the cupboard swore silent revenge.

"Come with me, Miss Granger." He was almost hissing with anger.

She was stumbling after him. "Ow, my arm! Wait! Pl-please, wait!"

In his hurry, Severus pulled her to him stiffly, letting her cling. She murmured with a strange warm tone, "..gentlemen yes, chivalry is surprising."

Severus had absolutely no idea what she was talking about and he determined that she clearly was not in her right mind. He also determined that Black had gone _too far_.

In terms of nautical lines and boundaries, Black had sashayed into a graveyard of ships haunted by evil pirates. Severus was indeed planning to murder him - and violently - as soon as he set his eyes on the conniving scoundrel of a horny bastard.

"Honestly though," Hermione continued, "he was just showing me his tattoos! It's all right."

Severus flared his nostrils as his eyes beheld her torn skirt. "Tattoos_ indeed_." His voice was almost husky with haughty anger and perhaps a touch of disappointment. There was no conceivable way that he was going to consciously place Hermione in front of the entire gathering in the drawing room like some kind of shameless display of promiscuity.

* * *

' _I'm sitting next to Hermione. Isn't she pretty?'_

'_Aren't you clever? Yes- she is quite. What is it that you wanted?_'

'_She is quite the fetching one. You know she's sitting next to Severus. Do you think she fancyies him?_'

"Fancy? What does he mean _fancy_?"

Tonks had a non-chalant expression on her face. "There is kind of an appeal to him, it's not totally unthinkable. Tall, dark and broody, and tragic mystery and he kind of has-"

Remus and Harry looked at her with expressions that were confused and mostly shocked.

"Oh- what? Go on reading." She said irritably.

'_No- but she should certainly try to fancy someone- shouldn't she?'_

'_Yes, problem is I don't think she's quite relinkquished her whatsit and decorum to allow for that.'_

'_You are entirely right. Good idea.'_

'_What idea?'_

* * *

"Miss. Granger you _must_ stay awake, and it would be of great service to- just sit upright!"

Severus was propping a very complacent and compliant Hermione upon one of the kitchen chairs that had a back on it. It was, however, doing no good, as she was moving into him and being incredibly limp at the same time.

She had stopped murmuring about how she didn't really see anything, only his knickers, and really she'd seen men's knickers before, so could he please not be angry she only wanted to see his tattoos, and does he wear cologne or was it potions she was smelling?

This was not going to do at all.

Severus kneeled to the ground and took her wrist in-between his two forefingers and his thumb checking for her pulse. The aphrodisiacs could affect people in different ways, most…inconvenient ways that sometimes included death.

Although that _particular_ danger was mostly found in much older males.

The two Weasley idiots hopefully didn't accidently overdose their unsuspecting friend. The Potions Master was busy being angry at himself for not teaching the students more about aphrodisiacs and berating himself for being prudent and extremely wary- (read: terrified)- of hormonal teenage girls and boys in the same room and didn't notice that Hermione had opened her mouth and was fluttering her eyes.

Her pulse was abnormally fast. This was a very bad sign. How much did they put in the sodding ruddy blaggarts?

"_Sodding_- _**bloody**_- twots" Severus was muttering violently under his breath, his expression was thoroughly drawn into a scowl.

He withdrew his hands and turned to the vial and the bowl still atop the counter.

"Pr-Snape- Don't stop, don't."

Snapes mouth went into a very hard thin line. This could not honestly, really and truly be happening, Snape very clearly thought to himself, it was an absolute nightmare.

This was a nightmare of a Christmas. This was utterly preposterous and the Potions Master- the _Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor_ was **not **going to be swayed, moved, or be in any way affected by the short breathy utterances of his name being spoken.

Inconceivable.

Preposterous and all other meanings of ' truly not.'

Severus retracted his hand and slowly moved away as if she were a rabid animal about to pounce upon his person and ravish-rav_age_ him.

"Mmmph…" She uttered and her eyes fluttered shut.

Severus pursed his lips. He would control himself, his thoughts and any other personal connotation or otherwise distracting unnecessary and frivolous thought.

"Miss Granger- you must be awake so that I can administer the antidote."

Sirius casual and oblivious, swanned into the kitchen, remarking airily: "Antidote? What Antidote? For what?"

"**Ob**vious_ly_ she is having a reaction to the ingredient that the redheaded disasters festooned upon her drink and it must be taken care of."

Sirius looked down at his shirt that he was currently trying to button with an over exaggerated face of dumbfound concentration. "Not really _obvious_ if I couldn't tell now is it?"

Snape curled his upper lip into a restrained snarl and resisted the urge to roll his eyes in effort to not reach a hideous number of eye rolls in one night.

"Hardly." He intoned darkly, a violent edge tangible in the one word. He swept his robes around as he turned towards the counter in an effort not to seize the other mans neck and begin to choke.

Sirius had apparently given up on matching his buttons and holes and cautiously stepped over to Hermione- who had her head lolling back and her mouth open.

"Hermione? Are you alright? Your head seems to be at a erm…painful angle here." He said and reached out to shake her shoulder looking down at her with gentle concern gracing his features.

Snape was carefully holding the small bowl of the counteractive liquid as he swirled around agitatedly. Snape snapped at him "She's been over stimulated. Coherent conversation is not within her grasp at the moment."

Helpfully, as if on cue, the limp girl's head lolled around a little and a small gurgled sound came from her throat. Sirius' eyebrows drew together as his forehead furrowed, he was looking quite seriously concerned and moved his hand to her neck in effort to prop up her head.

Unfortunately this had the opposite effect. She stretched her neck back, effectively stretching her back into an arch, and rolled her head into a surprised Sirius's hand.

A shrill sigh and quick intake of breath following her movements made the moment for both men justifiably pause in shocked hesitation.

Sirius's voice, normally an easy baritone, was now a halting tenor. "A- uh- that kind of overstimulation…Antidote?"

"You must hold her head up so that I may administer the correctional liquid." Snape said, having reverted back to bastard in control under the strained circumstance.

Sirius obliged with a carefully controlled expression- as controlled as he could make it anyway.

Hermiones eyes were slowly blinking back open and she was breathing heavily her mouth open. Severus touched the lip of the bowl to her lower lip with one hand on the back of the chair to balance himself and sternly commanded with his famous enunciation "_Drink." _His eyes intensely black, and focused upon tipping the bowl of liquid down her throat.

Sirius was currently slightly bent over on her right side with one hand entangled in her voluminous hair and the other on an armrest for balance.

Severus was slightly bent over just to her left and tried to avoid touching her at all costs.

Whatever he was to do, he knew that he certainly must not touch the girl again, lest she make such a display.

He was simply going to block out any and all possibilities.

Slowly the liquid was all gone and Severus could vacate her personal space with all haste.

Of course he expected Black to do the same- which of course the louse did not and preceded to touch the girl even further patting and rubbing her back as he finally coughed and unsteadily came to her senses.

She swayed forwards in her chair flailing her arms out in front of her uselessly and Sirius quick stepped behind her and grabbed both shoulders rather than shooting out his arm across her chest- which he was made quite well aware of by all of her stretching and breathing. The sweater and button down red shirt she was wearing were quite noticeable.

"Are you feeling better Hermione?" Sirius asked at the same time Snape cut across with his own question.

"What are your symptoms?"

"Syptoms! What kind o' question is that?" Sirius rebutted quickly enough to slur.

Severus crossed his arms and stepped forwards, narrowing his eyes at a defiant Sirius who was standing protectively behind Hermione.

Hermione placed a hand on her forehead. "I- I'm fine… I think. My skin feels like it was numb… but thoroughly rubbed or raw- It's all tingly. I can't quite place it. And the room is shifty and I- u-uh…n-nevermind."

Her cheeks colored a tantalizing pink before she covered her face with her hands.

Snape considered the possibility of telling her exactly what it was she wasn't sharing but quickly smothered that idea and moved on.

"I am obliged to stay here and monitor your conditions, sadly, for another hour and a half at least. It would do you well to have some tea."

"Sadly? Severus… it's Christmas." Sirius was obviously still feeling the effects of the friendly-beyond-belief ale, however lingering, and frowned huffily.

Hermione tried to get up made a soft "Wo-ahhaah…" and sat back down.

Severus eyed her swaying form before pinching the bridge of his nose. It was going to be a very long hour and a half.

* * *

Bwahahaha. It's for your own good Severus- cheer up.


	4. Beer is Proof

Chapter Four: Beer is Proof

* * *

AN: So sorry if you've gotten a thousand update notifications. For the ... one person who reads this. Heh.

* * *

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

* * *

The warm glow of the drawing room fireplace delightedly danced, casting a flickering golden glow on the boisterous card game taking place upon its hearth.

Remus was laughing, his eyes reflected the gold light, highlighting the hazel flecks as he leaned forwards to a giggling Tonks. He plucked a card from her grip and flipped it around as a few thumps muffled by the closed double doors pounded its way into existence.

Remus' laughter subsided until an expectant smile remained as he, Harry, and Tonks turned towards the door.

Severus once more dramatically swept the door open, surveying the room with a quick calculating glance. He held a tea tray in his hands.

Fred, George, Charlie, Ginny, and Ron looked up towards their Professor warily from a game of wizard chess.

They stared at him, or rather the tea tray he held.

Bill and Fluer hardly looked up from their softly glowing corner by the Christmas tree.

Arthur had his arms hugging Molly, his eyes closed and a contented smile playing his features while his wife hummed along to Christmas music. It was playing on the antiquated radio that Hermione had enchanted a few days ago to get reception from both muggle and wizard stations. It was an early present to the Weasley parents.

Severus watched with distain as Sirius and Hermione stumbled and swayed up the stairs- carefully masking his concern for the placement of the scruffy smiling mans hands upon the dizzy girl.

His anger at Black had not dispersed but was suppressed, and Hermione's attempt at explaining their situation had- **for now**- placated him.

She was quite reliable in that area, he thought. She wasn't tromping off with the most recent paramour of her attentions on a regular basis- or on any basis at all, despite the Krum incident in forth year. If he remembered correctly—it _was _very low on his priority list which was exceedingly long.

The stern Professor did not _intentionally _seek out this pseudo information, it was nigh thrust upon him at staff meetings in the teachers' lounge area.

Which, in his sneering opinion, was an incredibly frivolous waste of time. He only entered and attended when it was required. By the Headmaster. Who would blackmail him.

Sirius and Hermione came into the room and Severus shut the door with his foot to keep the heat in, making his way to the tea table without making eye contact with any of the watchful people in the room.

Instead falling to a favorite defense mechanism by inspecting the wall treatments.

Hideous. Nevermind.

He changed his view to the tea kettle before flicking his gaze once more at the two.

Remus shook his head and shared a secretive smile with Tonks, who was looking rather pleased at the sight in her peripheral vision of Sirius setting Hermione down on the recently reupholstered love seat.

Severus poured a cup of tea for Hermione, and turned to the only available seating area in the room- which, much to his chagrin was now occupied.

Ron piqued up with a "She alright then?"

"I'm just a bit dizzy Ron-"

"I need to monitor her condition as the anti-poison takes effect- hopefully Miss. Granger will not suddenly lose her vision and sense of touch over the next hour and a half."

He cut off whatever she was going to continue to say with a scathing comment that managed to silkily condemn the actions of the twins while fitting as much apathy as humanly possible into the sentence.

Fred and George looked at each other, a tentative scoff on their faces. "Psh- what poison?"

Ginny was rather unwilling to admit any guilty part in the prank that went a little wonky, and looked down at the chess table determinedly avoiding a certain overbearing gaze.

Snape wasn't hesitant about confronting the idiotic Weasels on their ill thought out practical joke, but was stalled from a direct accusation by a hand upon the long folds of his over robe.

"I certainly wasn't poisoned Professor Snape, it was probably a reaction I had to the cider. I'm not used to it."

Snape pressed his lips together. She was _obviously_ lying, and she obviously knew that something had gone wrong.

Snape, along with gaining a grudging _tolerant acceptance,_ somewhat resembling a 'liking' of the girl - from a slight admiration of her mind- had also gained what he considered an undeserved amount of respect.

A small, tiny, miniscule measure of respect from Severus Snape.

Not that he would ever show it, for she did things which irritated him in an uncommon degree more so practically for what she was and how she acted rather than who she was.

He reached out his arm that held the cup and the plate aloft in the air for her to easily reach. Sirius had left her, before Snape had held out the steaming tea, with a signature smile, and had gone talk with Remus, Tonks and Harry. The three were looking rather amused at the entire ordeal.

"The room is conjuration resistant so as to prevent any affable or brightly colored furniture to 'dare' enter, but you are welcome to share a seat with me, if you'd like." Hermione was smiling welcomingly, although her eyes were a bit unfocused.

The sour man knew that he would have to make a quick decision: to prevent himself from looking like a fool and be subjected to the proximity of the naive Miss. Hermione Granger, or conjure a less than adequate seat for himself and risk triggering alarms.

He couldn't hesitate for too long, and the House of Black were infamous for their domestic spells… he may have to tell her that it wasn't exactly furniture the Black family did not want conjured.

Without the time to properly psycho and socio analyze his decision he gracefully seated himself upon the deep red and black striped cushion, his arms crossed in his normal fashion.

The Weasley adolescents had turned back to their game, a hush taking over their conversation. Ginny was speaking hurriedly, explanative hand motions flailing about and Fred and George continued their faces of tentative pride.

Severus continued to eye them with a dark gleam. Hermione breathed in the steam of her tea and sighed lightly. "You brewed the tea well. The only other tea I love this much is Chamomile and Peppermint. With a bit of lemon, it's divine."

"I'm glad you are enjoying it." He said indifferently, although feeling a tinge of warmth in the fact she complemented him on brewing her favorite tea.

It was nice of someone to mention it once in a while. Recognition was never necessary, but it was … on occasion nice. Naturally Severus was quick to discount this.

_Obviously_ he was good at brewing things, the silly chit.

He curbed his barbed tongue. She was, after-all, under the influence of heady stuff and she was sincere.

"I am not incompetent when it comes to brewing, although I suspect you run into incompetence quite often." He gave her a sidelong glance with a raised eyebrow and concentrated on keeping his body weight shifted so that the lines of their body did not meet.

Hermione shrugged as she sipped. "It's not often that others brew the tea besides Molly and she tends to… boil for a bit too long, too hot. Do like blended herbal teas?"

She didn't look at him while she spoke. She was concentrated on softly setting the porcelain cup on the plate, the line in between her eyebrows indicating her concentration and beleing her discomfort in the effort it required.

"It is usually the black teas that I favor, with an additive of spearmint. Green tea is fine plain as well." Severus blinked after he finished his reply.

Was he actually carrying on '_small talk'_?

About _**tea**_?

Quickly he remembered he was going to tell her about the other reasons the room would be conjuration resistant.

"The conjuration wards in the room were not specifically designed to keep furniture out. The Blacks had other reasons."

Hermione nodded. "Of course- there are so many artifacts that it would be hard to completely proof everything from unwanted 'attachments.' What I don't understand is why the neglect of blocking evocation? It is just as susceptible to attacks as conjuration if not more so. Also, healing is a form of conjuration. It would make more sense-"

Snape gave a slight twist of his head. "You are correct, however you are forgetting that evocation is mostly rune based."

She frowned. "Of course it's runic. Though runes are symbols with power, and with the correct enchantment, items would be just as susceptible."

Severus smirked, and lightly raised one brow. "Are you familiar with the work of Firebead?"

Hermione was mid sip as her eyes widened in affirmation. She swallowed and said "Oh, yes. Ah, of course! It makes sense now, reactive versus permanent deactivation. I wonder if those wards are accessible… though the question would be how to get to them because they should by nature be accessible…" She mused, glancing around the room.

He briefly thought about how they would have designed it.

Perhaps waiting around wouldn't be so truly awful.

His gaze returned to the corner of fervid glances hushed tones and red hair.

His smirk faded. Perhaps not.

Charlie's face was drawn into one of disappointment, with his brow furrowed and his jaw set at a stubborn angle, he looked at his younger siblings after saying a few words.

The twins faces looked abashed for a millisecond before they sprang up in tandem shouting "Hermione!" -effectively startling the groups and couples into attention to the private drama of Gred and Feorge.

"Hermione!" They said as they came upon her on bended knee and thoroughly moony expressions.

"Our love!" Said Fred, a hand to his heart in a most sincere fashion.

"Our precious bewitched… erm-" Began George with two hands to his chest, he looked lost and tapped his fingers on his chest looking at Hermione blankly.

"Uh…Flower!" Fred finished and flourished his hand.

"Forgive us!" They said and bowed their heads.

Hermione was giggling and trying to smother her smile. Severus looked absolutely appalled at the ridiculous display of behavior. His reaction apparently made it all the more funny for most of the people in the room began raucously laughing.

George looked up "We- erm- miscalculated." He stated sheepishly.

Severus narrowed his eyes and curled his lip but his reply of "Obviously-" was sufficiently drowned out with Fred's deep wail.

Fred covered his eyes with his forearm "A grievous mistake that we shall never make again!"

George reached towards her hand, she gave it, and he pressed a loud kiss on the top of her hand. Fred looked up just in time to see George remove his face from her hand with an exaggerated face of solemnity.

"**Oy**! How come _you_get to kiss her?"

George continued to look innocent and raised his eyebrows in question. "Because I'm better looking?"

Hermione was having spasms at this point and was struggling to contain her giggles. Snape eyed the cup of hot liquid, sensing danger, as it was precariously balancing in her hand. He gently wedged it from her grasp.

Fred scoffed "**Ha**! You wish." He reached out his hand with a raised eyebrow and a debonair tilt to his head, "M'Lady?" He purred. Hermione gave her unoccupied dactyls that were just previously holding a tea cup over with a burst of laughter.

George renewed his efforts adding 'mwah' sounds and horrible French that was probably 'mustard' or some other nonsense. Both the twins kissed her hands repetitively, with obnoxious pecking sounds going up her wrist and arms, turning her hands over to get to her fingers and forearms.

Severus bored holes into their heads with his mind. _'Moronic buffoons.' _He thought at them nastily.

"Forgive us?" Fred said- a hint of seriousness played about his features and was reflected in George. The only difference was the side in which their eyebrow was cocked and a freckle on Fred's nose that had its match on George's ear.

"Of course." She said with a smile, and with that they got up and backed away bowing before going back to their game of wizard chess. Ginny caught Hermione's eye and mouthed a "Sorry."

Hermione shrugged and without a second thought reached over to the teacup Severus was holding.

Her fingers barely brushed his as she took it, and Severus released it easily. "It would have made it a bit more difficult on them if you said something earlier."

"Utterly irrelevant."

Sirius came upon them. "Didn't like the show then?" He said with a grin, seating himself on the floor and leaning his back on the loveseat.

Severus had reverted to crossed arms and a sour expression. "It was abhorrent." He said with exactness.

"Aren't you bored sitting all the way over here?"

Hermione shook her head sipping her tea again. "No. Professor Snape provides excellent conversation."

Sirius looked up at her "Not interested in a game at all?"

"Not particularly. But perhaps Profess-"

"_No_."

Sirius had a considering twinkle in his eye "Ah now, you wouldn't be… intimidated about a little competition… now would you?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at the smiling dog.

"I will not fall for your parlor tricks."

Sirius feigned hurt. "Who said my tricks were of parlor quality?"

Hermione smirked into her cup. She knew- for all accounts of how good a wizard that Snape was- he had an ego. It was prodigal and abundant, she had decided a long time ago, but by no means was it stable or able to suffer remarks despite his emotional discipline. Sirius, on the other hand was quite egotistic and quite languidly secure in his self, but was easily angered.

It was basically the same as putting two reactive ingredients into a cauldron that unerringly fed off the other.

Sirius continued with raised eyebrows and a lopsided wolfish grin "We…could make it more interesting."

Severus raised his right eyebrow extraordinarily high and turned his head very slowly towards Sirius, who was looking for all the world like nothing was going on. Like he hadn't just pulled the Dragons tail.

He made a good show of enjoying the faint Christmas music playing from the radio enchanted by Hermione. He thought it was a very good present.

"Ask me when my judgment is impaired in some irrevocable way."

Sirius shrugged and turned to Hermione who was readjusting herself in a more comfy position by snuggling into the cushions and drawing her legs up, effectively curling herself up like a cat. Unfortunately for Severus this meant her hip was touching him, and so was her arm and shoulder and her hair was curling its tendrils wickedly upon his shoulders and she was still wearing _that thrice be-__**damned skirt**_**!**

Sirius was having a hard time as well dealing with Hermiones new found position. Her skirt had made a curious, darkly shadowed tent and Sirius knew all he had to

Sirius raised his eyebrows and met Severus eyes, which were hooded.

"Hmm…" Began Sirius, rubbing the scruff on his chin.

Severus remained silent.

Hermione took another drink and neither of the men spoke. Laughter once again rose from the hearth of the fire where the card game was still going strong, and Ron's groan and Charlie's reassurances from the chess side of the room filled the room with sound.

Hermione spoke in a soft tone. "It wouldn't be so bad if you played a game against one another."

Sirius sat still, not making any attempt of eye contact or encouragement. The charmed alcohol level in his blood that made him precocious and impulsive was weakening.

Severus tried to shrug away from Hermione's growing body heat. He dismally failed.

His attempt at moving himself away resulted in a more symmetrical body line, which made it easier for Hermione to naturally gravitate towards him.

Severus pressed his lips together and his nostrils flared as Hermione settled once again- ever closer, ever more prevalent in each of his senses.

"What if I decide the challenge terms? That way you know it's not as dire as you would both have it." The bushy haired girl smiled sheepishly.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Snape, his tone was lighthearted and prodded gently at the reluctant young woman. "Hermione? Where is your favorite place to go in muggle London?"

She looked up, her brown eyes big, dark lashes grazing the tops of her lids. "Oh! Well…there's the book shop just off of Trafalgar square and Piccadilly. It's kind of small but I used to go there all the time when Dad took me to his office. Then I would go to the Rose garden of St. Peters church to read in the sunshine."

She was safely smiling again "But I love seeing the theatres by Piccadilly at night, when everything is lit up beautifully. The fountains especially." Her eyes looked up at the vaulted ceiling as if conjuring the image of the commercial ridden circus.

She popped forward looking down at Sirius holding her teacup aloft. Severus really did try not to acknowledge the skirts rise up the leg, currently taut from holding her in balance. He tried to look away before he could see the long, smooth skin that was being showcased.

She grinned but Sirius laughed and said "No, I meant where you love to go and eat. I suppose you eat books just as voraciously as a Molly made meal."

"Oh! Dessert!" Apparently she had sat up too fast and she blinked and put the hand that wasn't holding her cup to her eye and the bridge of her nose.

"Woah-"

Snape reached out to her shoulder and with temperate force pulled her back- straight into the crook of where his chest and arm met. He tensed and froze but apparently the conversation continued as if nothing had just occurred.

Hermione settled back into her relaxed position and continued with Sirius, "No I don't really have a favorite place to eat in London. But I've always wanted to go to the Promenade."

Sirius crossed his arms behind his head, closed his eyes and leaned backwards down to the floor, taking in her smile and change in demeanor.

He didn't see that Snape had gently pulled her back, and was now internally fretting away at the fact that Hermione was drawn to his touch and warmth almost unconsciously.

Not that any of this showed on Severus' face. He was in the practice of schooling his features far too often to let some girl that smelled nice have any effect on him what so ever.

"Ahhh, yes. The Promenade…" He chuckled in a manly way. It was that manly chuckle men only get when they are feeling particularly masculine and deserving of testosterone.

"It was when James, Remus and I all got piss drunk and foisted that rat bastard Peter the duty of covering our asses. We painted the town red, blue and whatever other color you could think of when we decided to saunter into the Promenade." Sirius waggled his eyebrows, and his devil may care signature grin came back with a vengeance.

"Ahh the good ol' days."

He pulled himself up with ease into a sit-up. The off place buttons and their holes created gaps, his tattoos and trail of hair showing beneath.

Severus was silently raging against the girls' hair- Did she not know how to control it? It was _**everywhere**_, curling on his shoulder and chest and she wasn't even pressed against him! Well, she was far too close, but it wasn't like she tossed her hair back upon him- did she have no idea what she was doing? Once **again**!

"I'd have to say…the alcohol there was fantastic. Food, I'm not so sure." Sirius closed his eyes smiling.

Severus resisted an all too tempting scathing comment, because he did not particularly want to draw attention to himself for any reason- mostly to the fact that Hermi- **Miss.** _Granger_ was _**snuggling **_into him.

Sirius clapped his hands. "Alright! Here's what's going to happen. I need your help Miss. Granger!" She scotched forward eager to be of help.

Severus was looking quite sharply at her although he was glad to be rid of her wicked, wicked hair.

Sirius pointed at Severus. "Arch Nemesis. I formally challenge you to a duel of wit and tactics! A game! If you deny you are forfeit the price of the loser."

The room was once more focused on Sirius and Severus. Snape sneered. "I think not."

Hermione looked perplexed. "What do I have to do with any of this."

"You're our wager master. You hold us to the bargain."

She cocked her head. "Like a second at a duel?"

Snape squeezed his eyes shut. The hour was officially past awful. "No, nothing like that. You are a fool to make it such a childish and binding declaration."

"Not at all." Sirius stated.

He held out his hand a challenge in his eye. Severus looked at his hand. He was tired of making promises. Being bound to them.

He clenched his jaw tightly.

This however, this was something that he couldn't let go. He grasped his hand.

"Challenge accepted."

* * *

Dun dun dun! Is it bad that I already have another story lined up around this one?


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